love after abuse.

Y’all I am drained. I am sitting in the deepest depths of the ocean of sorrow tonight. Even though I know the anchor will pull me back up, it doesn’t seem like I’ll breathe again. The nightmares are back and worse than ever. Stalking. Murder. Survival. The way trauma seeps into your subconscious and thrivesContinue reading “love after abuse.”

my stay in purgatory.

July 4, 2019 Today was bittersweet. It marked the last fourth of July; not only with Tyler, but with his family and our beautiful home. We had Aunt Liz, Uncle Pat, Lindsey and the kids, Aunt Sue and Andrew, and Nicole and Jason. Tyler’s workmate, Magno, was able to come too. I made my traditionalContinue reading “my stay in purgatory.”

the things no one talks about.

Well, the nightmares have returned. Something nobody tells you about trauma – about PTSD – is that it will come back when you least expect it. The nightmares are never about the events, but always about the feelings felt during them. The smallest thing can trigger it. Something you might not even be consciously awareContinue reading “the things no one talks about.”

the discard.

May 24th 2020 I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I finally ran out of hope for us. I’m sorry I quit on us. I know you had hope for becoming a better person, as long as I still kept that candle burning for you. I’m so, so sorry I quit on us. ThisContinue reading “the discard.”

erasing eleven years.

Today is the first time in eleven years I won’t say “Happy Birthday.” The first time I won’t be buying way too many Reese’s cups to fill up his gift bag with – knowing full well he won’t eat them all. Each year I tried to make his birthday special. In the military, there areContinue reading “erasing eleven years.”

baby ezra.

My sweet boy. You were my beacon of hope in the midst of a broken marriage. You symbolized a fresh start, a real commitment. You symbolized unconditional love.  I already had visions of your nursery being the guest bedroom under the oak tree in the front of the house. There, you could get shade duringContinue reading “baby ezra.”

and it comes in waves.

The pain comes in waves. Tonight, it’s a goddamned hurricane and I’m the ocean. It has no limits, no end in sight. The memories come in flashes. The words. The screaming. The sobbing. Their bodies. Their inner most thoughts. The cruel hide and seek games. The treasure hunting for pain. He is always found. IContinue reading “and it comes in waves.”

welcome, y’all.

Welcome. Here you will find acceptance, validation and resources. You’ll see the story of my abusive marriage and how I reclaimed my power. You’ll experience my journal entries, flashbacks and full on floor sobs. You will walk with me through the highs of military life, to the deepest depths of loneliness. You will see theContinue reading “welcome, y’all.”